Don't Drink and Sign
by LumosMaximan
Summary: What if Bilbo had gone out the night the Dwarves came, and what if he came home a little drunk and didn't know exactly what he was doing. Also including Hamfast Gamgee the sly gardener. It's just a laughable fic really, don't take it too seriously :D


**What if no one was home the evening they arrived?**

**Just a silly thing to make at 1 in the morning, it's all mad really!**

**[Disclaimer]**

It was now early evening as Bilbo poked at the fire to warm up his hobbit hole, he was still quite bewildered from the 'interesting' conversation he had earlier with Gandalf, that wizard definitely knew how to confuse a hobbit, all that nonsense talk about adventures and leaving the Shire. What nonsense. As he replaced the poker next to the fireplace he turned back to the counter where was preparing his supper for the evening. As he was gently salting the fish, he was suddenly interrupted by a persistent knocking at his door, sighing he turned and stared at the door, hoping whoever it was would simply go away. "Hello?" a cheery voice called through the hard wood door, "Bilbo, I know you're home! Bilbo, Bilbo, Bilbo!" was soon followed by a round of cheerful laughter. Bilbo sighed with defeat as he wiped his hands on a kitchen towel, however the laughing from outside surely put a small smile on his face. As he approached the door, the banging eventually ceased.

"Oh, you've stopped now have you?" he called cheerfully.

"Bilbo...open the door, please?" shaking his head he opened the door to none other than Hamfast Gamgee, his close friend and self appointed gardener. "Bilbo!" he smiled gleefully, with his arms held wide as he pulled Bilbo into a bone-crushing hug.

"Yes, yes, how are you Hamfast?"

"Brilliant!" he declared a little too loudly for Bilbo's sake as he carefully covered his ears from his friend's merry voice.

"Yes...well, how much have you drunk tonight Hamfast?" he quickly dawned on why his gardener had such a happy tune this evening.

"Oh Bilbo..." Hamfast sighed heavily, making Bilbo chuckle once more, "You must come down to The Green Dragon; they're having discount prices on ales due to your cousin Odo's engagement!" Hamfast cheered as he practically danced around Bilbo who looked both bemused and befuddled.

"Why would drinks he on sale for his engagement?" Bilbo questioned only to be grabbed firmly on the shoulders by Hamfast.

"Who cares, let's go!" he began pushing Bilbo towards the door.

"Woah! No, no, no!" he interrupted his friend and managed to slip from his grasp. "I was just about to have dinner, I mean, the fire is already stoked and-"

"Oh, come on Bilbo; come and have a drink with your wonderful best friend gardener Hamfast!" he practically pouted. Sighing in defeat, Bilbo grabbed his jacket from the hanged and turned to Hamfast.

"One drink, and that is all-"

"Let's do this!" he was once again interrupted and shoved out his Hobbit Hole. However, both Hobbits seemed to be obvious to the glowing little rune that was carved upon Bilbo's door.

As the evening drew on, Bilbo's one drink soon turned to two, then three and then eventually he lost count and Hamfast began buying them faster than he was drinking them.

Meanwhile an interesting visitor, a dwarf in fact, found himself standing in front of Bilbo's home. Banging on the door loudly, he waited for it to open, on for his surprise that no one answered. "How...odd?" a gruff voice questioned. The Dwarf peered over into the window and only saw the dying embers of the fire Bilbo had abandoned. Humming in confusion the Dwarf proceeded to walk around, hoping to find a second entrance into the blasted hole, only to be let down. As he strode back towards the front door, he was startled by another voice.

"Evening Brother...everything alright?" Balin asked as he watched the other Dwarf peek in through the window once more.

"Balin," Dwalin turned his attention to his brother, "Are you sure this is the right place?" the taller Dwarf glared murderously at Bag End's door.

"Well the mark is definitely there," he pointed to the mark that Gandalf made earlier, "So it must be!"

"Well, what do we do then?" Dwalin pulled his war hammer from his back and carelessly leant against it.

"Well..." Balin walked over and perched himself on the little bench out front, "I guess we wait" this caused Dwalin to sigh heavily, "But, I do think we'll be having company" he nodded towards the little silhouettes of Dwarves walking up towards Bag End. Oblivious to all that was going on at his home, Bilbo was having a whale of a time at The Green Dragon.

"...then she tackled him down to the ground, had him pinned under her body and demanded that he proposed to her right there and then. That's how Mother and Father got together!" the whole inn burst out laughing by Bilbo's little story of his parents, especially him Mother. He was now several drinks in and was swaying slightly on his feet, yet this didn't stop him cheerfully accepting more from Hamfast as he brought them over. "Right, who wants to hear another tale?" Bilbo managed to say as the inn cheered for more as Hamfast handed him yet another ale. As the night grew on, Bilbo was still blissfully unaware of the little horde of Dwarves who were collecting in front of his Hobbit Hole as well as a rather confused and annoyed wizard who was being called upon to have all the answers.

It was well after midnight by the time Bilbo wobbled out of The Green Dragon and was mighty sloshed, still laughing and hiccupping as he carefully trudged his way back to Bag End, swaying every now and then before falling down to the ground. By the time he had reached his garden fence he was only partially stained by dirt and had several holes in his trousers, he gleefully swung back and forth on the gate before he was suddenly grabbed by his collar. "Bilbo Baggins!"

"That's me!" he cheered as he spun round the see a displeased wizard and equally annoyed Dwarves glaring at him. "So...what's going on here then?" He swayed as Gandalf sighed heavily.

"Bilbo, where in Middle Earth were you?" He scowled down at his Hobbit friend.

"I was at the...the..." he aimlessly pointed in some random direction, "I was with some friends...at that magical place that sells ale...the Dreen Gragon! No, the Dragon Green! Nope, I'll get it right eventually" he hiccupped before chuckling to himself.

"You're drunk" a gruff voice broke through Bilbo's incoherent little speech.

"And you're handsome!" Bilbo smiled cheerfully at the Dwarf, Gandalf rolled his eyes as he grabbed Bilbo to steady him.

"Bilbo, allow me to introduce, Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain of Erebor, as well as leader of our expedition." Thorin gave an unimpressed look as Bilbo simply blinked at him.

"Right...Well...Where's your mountain?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Well you're supposed to be a King right, so why aren't you at a mountain somewhere...being kingly? Not very good at being a Dwarf if you haven't got a Kingly Mountain have you?" Bilbo folded his arms to try and look somewhat intimidating only to get chuckles from the group of Dwarves.

"Bilbo, why don't we go inside?"

"Nope, I like it out here, and I don't know the Hobbit who lives there!" he pointed towards Bag End.

"Bilbo, that your home"

"It is? It is!" he cheered as Gandalf tried pushing him towards the door. "Wait, Woah! Hang on!" he held his hands in the air and pulled away from Gandalf, stumbling in the process. "If you're trying to sell something them you can clear off as-"

"Gandalf, this Hobbit is out of his mind, you cannot possibly be suggesting that he is the burglar we came for!" Thorin called towards the wizard as he looked over at a drunken Bilbo, "He can barely stand!"

"Hang on!" Bilbo stormed, in a drunken way, over to Thorin and eyed him up evilly, "Now...I may be some Hobbit, and I may or may not be a little bit drunk and I may not have some big, fancy sword that means I could be compensating for something. But, I know how to burgle! I'm a burgle Master. No one in Hobbiton is a better burglar than Burgle Baggins! Just asks Bilbo!" he jabbed his finger at Thorin as he stated ever word. Gandalf sighed as he pulled Bilbo from the Dwarf before he could hit over the head.

"So it's settled" Thorin glared at the Hobbit, "He is accompanying us to Erebor-"

"Thorin"

"Listen here poncey! I won't do anything till I sign something!" Bilbo waved his hand around and pointed randomly at the other Dwarves.

"Balin, get the contract-"

"Yes, Balin, where are you Balin, the handsome King asked for a contract?"

"Thorin, are sure this is wise?" Gandalf looked over at the Dwarf who simply nodded, "Fine, and Bilbo-"

"Wonderful! Where do I sign?" Bilbo interrupted him as he span around till he bumped into Balin, who held out the contract. Grabbing the little quill, Bilbo scrawled some form of signature across the paper before throwing the quill over his shoulder.

"Yes! Road trip! Bilbo's going on an adventure!" Bilbo exclaimed before he collapsed backwards into the rose hedge. "Ow! I am very drunk!" was the last thing he said before he fell into a deep sleep.

"Well, that was easier than I thought..." Gandalf stroked his beard as he took the contract from Thorin's hand. "He'll be no use till the morning, till then, how about The Green Dragon?" Gandalf gave a thin smile only to be shot down by thirteen glares, "Suit yourselves."

The next morning, Bilbo winced as he slowly opened his eyes to the piercing sun blaring down at him. Groaning, he slowly and painfully pulled himself from the rose bush. "No more drinking..." he whispered as he rubbed his forehead, and plucked few thorns from his body. Looking around one thing in particular caught his eye. There sitting on his garden bench was a neatly written contract that showed his ridiculous scribble of a signature, along with a little note.

'_Good Morning,_

_We're leaving by 10 o'clock, better get here soon Bilbo._

_Hope you have a nice headache from last night._

_Gandalf'_

Bilbo read the note, and read it again, before reading the contract to see what he had signed for. Looking over at the hills, he screamed "Damn you Hamfast!" He was never drinking with his gardener again if he was going to end up doing things like this!


End file.
